When my mother passed away, the event left us all wondering. In addition to “Why did this happen”, “Could it have been prevented” and “Why didn’t I take that picture this morning”, I questioned “How does a family function without its center?”. The answer is something I have thought about for a long time.
Especially at holidays and in times of crises, we look for tradition and routines to guide us. We want a sense of stability, of comfort, and of safety- we all want to feel cherished. We want to belong.
So much is lost when the person who implements the traditions and celebrations is absent. No matter how long standing or enjoyed, the tradition can disappear without a trace. If the remaining participants cannot implement the tradition in a similar way, the stability, comfort and “belonging” of the routine is gone. Sure, the participants could start new traditions or modify the routine… but what if the remaining participants are awash with grief at the first holiday without their loved one, and everything and everyone seems sad and wrong? Gentle reader, I hope that your families will always remain intact, or find ways to come together through grief.
Eleven years later, I need to know that if something were to happen to me, the person taking over my role as “tradition keeper” could understand right away what events are important to my family and why and how we celebrate the events. They would know the intimate details of each event- what foods we liked and didn’t like, what activities we shared, and where to start in planning. The important point is not that the celebrations would be exactly the same without me- of course that isn’t true. However- I want my family to have the opportunity to remember the purpose of our traditions. I want them to celebrate in a way that makes them feel safe, loved and cherished. I want them to feel my presence.
So, this year, I started a Book of Celebration. It is very simple, at least right now. My children are very young and we are just beginning to define our family traditions. Over time I hope to refine, add, possibly remove, and enhance our celebrations. I used an old three ring binder, some page protectors, and 12 section dividers for this task. Each section divider has the name of a month. You could also label the dividers for your particular holiday or celebration, especially if you have a lot of information to record.
In each section I have saved ideas for upcoming holidays. I would like to start working on each celebration a few months in advance so that I can easily incorporate the necessary preparations into my schedule without feeling overwhelmed. This is my typical planning method for complicated or lengthy tasks, and it works as long as I don’t postpone the calendar reminders! I will save my planning notes and some follow up notes in the binder after each event.
I have created a simple document set for you in case you want to start your own binder, and need a little push in the right direction. Click the link below to download!
Use the first page as a planning summary, and keep it in your binder. After the celebration, jot down some notes at the bottom of the summary page about how the event went, how your family liked it, and what you might like to do differently in the future. Next year, you can refer to your summary sheet for easier planning. Possibly more importantly, someone else can refer to it.
Please tell me what you think! Is this type of tool something you already use? I’d love to hear your feedback!
Traditions I believe becomes a glue holding families together, and you put it perfectly what I also hope would happen should I pass on. You have a wonderful idea for the book! I always think once Christmas season comes, what was that one new idea I wanted to do with the kids? Or when planning Christmas Eve dinner, I remember what my mother made, mostly at least. Writing it down and keeping it organized is exactly what I need! Thanks!
I am glad you liked the post. Please let me know how you use the book in your family!!!
I have felt very lonesome at Christmas time since my husband died in 2010. This year I told my chlldren to create their own ‘traditions’ and I would come by to see them during the holidays. We always had family Christmas on Christmas Eve and everyone was expected to be here. Now my grown children have new families of their own, each having married a spouse with children in the past year. Time to pass the baton so to speak but I still want to be a part of their traditions. I went from one son, one daughter and two granddaughters to a son and his wife and her 3 children, and a daughter with two granddaughters now with a fiancé with his 3 boys. Time marches on, life goes on. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Mary- I love your positive attitude. Please share what traditions your family starts- would love to hear about them! Merry Christmas!!